“Are You an Only Child?”

I’m very content being by myself. There’s really an odd comfort I have with it. My independent demeanor is one of my favorite qualities. I know how to entertain myself and make myself laugh. That might seem a bit pathetic, but it’s just a habit I’ve learned to love. Somehow, mixed in with all of that comfort lies a gloomy cloud of fear.

Many people think that only children are self-absorbed. Maybe that’s true, but it's not in the vain, selfish way that people stereotype. In my personal experience, it’s because only children know that once their parents are no longer with them, there’s no one left. So, maybe this “selfishness” comes from a yearning to find someone to cling to once their two rocks are gone. Or maybe it's a defensive mechanism to start to build up the strength of being fully alone, not just independent. Either way you want to view it, there’s an extreme selfishness and selflessness to being an only child.

Around a year ago is when I discovered this new fear of mine. My adolescent fear of spiders had shifted to something much greater. My biggest fear no longer has 8 legs. It’s in the form of a question. “What will happen to me once my parents are gone?”

I’m trying to find a sense of dependence. A dependence on other people who aren’t my parents. I constantly attempt to break out and depend on people who aren’t my blood. Yet, it seems to be when I give someone my full heart, they decide to turn the other cheek. It’s then I realize that they don't really care about me and I feel like a complete idiot. Over time, a flashing red light has started to develop in my head. If I’m asked how I’m doing, I warn myself not to answer “too much” in detail about whatever my answer is, good or bad. There’s a certain guilt that swirls in me. But, if my mom were to ask me that same question, the transcription of my answer would be the length of War and Peace. I guess I’ve learned through experience that it’s so easy for people to walk away-- but my parents, not so much.

The scariest thing for me right now is that I've noticed my parents getting older. I feel as if I'm trapped in an hourglass with the sand pounding on top of me from the sky. I’m sure other only children feel this way--and probably people with siblings can relate. That’s why I finally decided to put my fear into words and share it with the world. I know writing this will bring me a sense of inner peace and an unexpected connection with others. A discovery that I’m truly not as alone as I think I am. Who knows—it’s worth a shot. There always seems to be more love around you than you realize.

Hi Mom and Dad- I know you’re reading this (because you always do.) I love you, thank you for stopping after one kid, and I promise I don’t think about your death as often as it may sound. -D.