Change in 2022.
I never intended to write a follow-up after I intentionally explored what change meant in my current world. But now, a full year has passed. A year later where the pandemic is nearly a memory. A year where I met great expectations and new opportunities. A year full of new people, support, and love. From all of this, I decided to ask myself- How has my idea of change morphed over one year?
Building up the courage to write this has been a similar pain to hearing nails on a chalkboard. When a child touches a hot plate and gets burnt, they learn not to touch it in the future. This to me feels as if I’m touching that hot plate on the stovetop yet again. Similar to last year, my idea for this continuation came to me as I was falling asleep. This time around, however, a sudden numbness and emotional weight ate at me like a parasite.
One year later, I can admit that I don’t take change well. My whole facade is finally in shambles. My pain of change all came exactly from what I discussed last year. When you get so comfortable and then change happens, you get extremely uncomfortable. My past year has been a lot of uncomfortable. The good uncomfortable and also the unfortunate uncomfortable. This past September, the plates in my life were changing and for the first time, I really didn’t want them to. There was (and still is) a lot of change that wasn’t in my control. A great friend had to move across the country for work in a week's time while simultaneously I was experiencing great losses within my family. We can’t control change- but we have some control over who we keep in our lives. So, when the change took away that power I once had, I became avoidant of my feelings. I kept saying “we're not talking about it” whenever my great friend would ask about how I was doing. So much involved ignoring what change was happening, not accepting it, and learning how to adapt. Why would you want to adapt to changes you don’t like, right?
Most of my change this year was external, not internal (unlike what I believed last year to be.) You’ll understand what I mean by “external” in the next sentences. I can acknowledge that I, myself have not drastically changed from this past year. However, I have a whole different set of routines due to responsibilities. My expectations of relationships have completely altered. My work ethic has skyrocketed tremendously. A new surge of amazing people has entered my life (few even are emergency contacts in my phone.) One beautiful change I have to acknowledge is the wonderful things I got to experience this year. The things I got to do, see, and live in are blessings. I ended up in places that opened up a vortex to so many great opportunities, memories, and future possibilities. All these new experiences I had this year exposed me to what I vision my life to be.
2021 was a lot of controlled and peaceful change whereas this year was not. It’s really hard for me to write this without a pessimistic (or let's say) heavy tone. There is still a little part of me that is really pissed. Pissed that a lot of the changes this year make me sappy, confused, and at points, helpless. Most of my change this year came from a place of a sense of loss and sometimes, no way of gaining something back.
And I know that the previous sentence is just what happens when you're an adult. You aren't always dealt the best cards and situations can suck. I don’t like it. No one likes it. At least we can find peace with that.
I still find this piece brutal to write. My mind feels like alphabet soup with thoughts, constantly contradicting myself and forcing myself to think of the great changes that happened this year when my negatives are shouting at me with a megaphone.
If you know me, you know I love to have a random grand statement about a sentimental topic to keep me sane at night. Thankfully- I do have one. In February, I found a postcard tucked in a corner of my subway station. The card said in extremely neat calligraphy “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” When I first saw the note, I simply just took a photo of it and hopped on the C train. Now, in December, I understand how that resonates. Last year, I was in my year of answers- where this year was my year of questions. My great change was the flip from having answers to questions. And with that acknowledgement, I feel a bit more grounded and okay.
So, what is my overall conclusion about change after another year? Actually, the same as last year. Change is uncomfortable, but you learn from it. The only difference is that I experienced the opposite side of the coin. As I stated before, that’s just adult life and the real world. We’re allowed to not like it sometimes. We’re allowed to not know what’s going on.
Most importantly- we’re allowed to ask questions.